Exposing too Much

Last week I had a day of planning with my staff at Fountain Park. We did the usual stuff, but then as often happens in such settings someone shares a funny church experience, which leads to another, which leads to . . . well you get the point.

One of the staff shared an incident from his brother’s church that had us all rolling. It seems that once a quarter or so they have an “open mic” time for anyone to sing. It sounds all pretty scary to me, and after hearing about it, I think I am right on. One lady came up to sing and said something to this effect, “I usually sing in the key of ‘off’, but today I will be singing in the key of ‘F off.’” We all just about lost it, especially when he said that no one except his brother got it.

Well, not to be out done I told about what is the funniest church story I have ever heard. In a southern rural church (remember I am from the south) they had the tradition of a Wednesday evening Prayer Service where everyone would share what was taking place in people’s life, ask for requests, share gossip in the form of a prayer request, brag as a form of “praise,” you probably know the drill.

One Wednesday, while the Pastor stood up front, folks began to share. There were the usual stories about “I have gossiped this week. I swore this week. I lusted this week. I was dishonest.” You can guess all the normal stuff. However, after about 8-10 minutes one man stood up and said, “Preacher, I have something to confess. I had sex with a goat this week at my farm.” The room sat in stunned silence. Finally the Pastor said, “Brother, I don’t think I would have shared that.”

This was the most extreme case I have ever heard tell of where someone was caught, “sharing too much.” I have heard things along that line, but nothing even approaching that extreme violation of the “rules of self disclosure.”

Now, here is where I am coming from. Yesterday, I talked about Turtle People, those who hide in their shell and do not come out for fear of pain, rejection, etc. There is another extreme: those who share too much too soon. Have you ever been with someone whom you have known only a short period of time, and they start to share personal facts that make you very uncomfortable? So have I. These people are violating the rules referenced above – the rules of self disclosure. They share information that you have not earned the right to hear.

As best I can ascertain, there are two rules of self disclosure: First, I do not share what others have not earned the right to hear. In other words, I do not share too much too soon. Violators of this rule are the opposite of Turtle People. These folks just open their mouth and vomit self revelations all over you. Now, co-dependent types love this. They need to be needed, so this makes them feel valued. Normal folks, however, look for a crack in the floor in which to hide. They just do not want to be anywhere near this stuff that is over the line.

The second rule is this: I do not delve into areas of your life where you have not given me permission to venture. It really gets bad when rule violators start asking questions. These are questions you do not wish to answer, and would not talk to them about it, if you were so inclined.

I think my words to us today are twofold, to balance out yesterday. Do not share too much too soon. Oh, go ahead and follow Jesus in the risk so you do not remain a turtle person. But, do not only use caution . . . use wisdom. Be sure the person you talk to can be trusted with the information you are about to divulge. Be sure they desire to be on the receiving end.

Secondly, set appropriate boundaries. Some folks are not good at respecting them. Stand your ground. If you have set a fair boundary, stick to your guns. Be sure you are not mean or unkind, but remember some folks only understand the subtlety of a 2x4 up side the head . . . figuratively of course. If it takes an offense to get the message of your boundary, then risk the offense to safe guard your boundaries.

We dare not, we cannot, remain turtle people. But we likewise cannot put ourselves at unnecessary risk. We must discern, evaluate, listen, talk, ask questions, and then act accordingly.

Go ahead, get ready to come out of your shell; just be sure it is not in the middle of the Interstate when you do.