A Father's Legacy - Part 2

We are all raised believing that our lives will have some sort of “natural order” to them. There are certain events that should transpire while we are young, others should occur when we are teenagers, still others as young adults and so on. When we encounter one of life’s events out of the order we have been led to believe it should occur, we are thrown off balance. For me, one such event is the passing of both of my parents. With the exception of my paternal grandmother every member of the previous generations in both my wife’s family and mine are now with the Lord. That means that at the age of 45, we found we had become our parents. Now, as I look at my 51st birthday in June, I am aware that a portion of my cycle of life is nearly complete.

As I reflect on this stage of my life, I have done some serious evaluating. In recent weeks I have shared some of that on this blog. Another part of that is including portions of the message that I gave at my father’s funeral in 1999. As I mentioned yesterday it was entitled “Lessons I Learned from My Dad.” The message shared some aspects of my father’s life as well as my comments. Yesterday I shared lessons 1-3, today I conclude with the final three lessons I mentioned in that message five years ago.

Lesson #4: When your kids grow up, let them go – begin the process early by giving small freedoms.

My parents were excellent at letting me leave home and become an adult. It started with going to friend’s homes and as I aged I was permitted to be the person I should be, without their interference. That sounds easier than it is. When you have seen a child grow up in your home, letting them become an adult is not an easy task. The relationship between adult children and younger children is very dissimilar. I learned from my Dad that my job as a parent is to work myself out of a job. I am to raise an adult.

If you are a parent, ask yourself, “Are you moving your children in the direction of adulthood and independence?” This is not as easy as it sounds. It begins with small freedoms such as going next door to the neighbor, going down the street alone, overnight with a friend, or walking around the block out of your sight. It does take some huge steps along the way, such as a driver’s license or dropping them off at college. But freedom must be granted along the way.

I had two children go to college and come out as responsible adults. They both shared experiences where freshmen friends would go “hog wild.” (There is a great southern US term for you!) In most cases, these kids were from over protective parents who did not give sufficient freedoms when their children were younger so they could learn how to handle freedom. Then, finding themselves with the total freedom of the college experience, they were not equipped to handle it.

Are you moving your children down the maturity trail? If they are already adults, do you treat them as such?

Here is a pet peeve of mine. (Feel free to blast me in the open comments section!) I call this the “Pittsburgh Mom Syndrome.” It is unlike anything I have ever witnessed anywhere else in the country. I have talked to numerous folks from other parts of the country who now live in Pittsburgh and they laugh and tell me they have observed the same thing. This “syndrome” is where mothers in Pittsburgh treat their adult children like they are still minors. It would take longer than a blog to describe it, but those who have noticed it with me are now laughing out loud and nodding their heads in agreement saying, “So it is not me! It does exist!” The Dads here do it some, but not much. For the most part they are quiet and passive. I think it is because their Mom did it to them, and they think it is right. It is like a real life episode of Everybody Loves Raymond on steroids!

Here is the point after much rambling – if your children are adults, let them be adults. Let them know you are there if they need you, but let them initiate it. My Dad taught me that when my kids grow up, let them go.

Lesson #5: You can always put the past behind you and restore relationships – ask what relationship should I seek to restore?

During the days before Christ transformed our home, my Dad pushed me into some very wrong situations. I tried to think of a word instead of “wrong,” because that word is so weak, but nothing really conveys how heinous some of the situations were. I have often said if we had lived in 2005 instead of 1965 my Dad would have gone to prison. Some of the situations were known in detail only to him and me. No one else was aware. To this day only a hand full of people know what transpired. When I was in my early thirties, I took steps to see that my Dad and I reconciled on these issues. He and I sat down and talked this out. I followed up with a letter assuring him of my forgiveness, and my desire for a good father/son relationship. I could easily have harbored anger for things that should have destroyed my life. But I did not. My Dad and I reconciled these issues and I have never regretted doing so. I remember once while visiting in the late 1980s, driving him to his car pool pick up location. As he got ready to get in his ride, he extended his hand to shake mine. I walked past it and hugged him. When I broke the embrace, there were tears in his eyes. “I love you son,” he said. I will forever remember that day and the cementing of the healing in our relationship.

What relationship should you seek to restore? Do not let something that is in your power to forgive prohibit a relationship from being what it should be. Do not pass it off with idle comments like: “It is no big deal.” Or “It was in the past and cannot be changed.” It is a big deal and it can be changed. It may be a lot of hard work, but the end result is well worth it.

Lesson #6: The nut doesn’t fall far from the tree – be careful what you teach your children.

I am more and more amazed to look in the mirror and see my Dad looking back. My cough is my Dad’s. My love of writing poetry came from my Dad. My work ethic came from my Dad.

My Dad was a blue collar worker all of his life. He worked as a painter in the construction industry. That type of work has no sick days. One of my earliest childhood memories is of my Dad sitting at the kitchen table in the morning, talking to my Mom, so sick he could barely drink a cup of coffee, get up and drag himself to work because he had a family to provide for. I look back now, and he did pretty well on a painter’s salary. He taught me the value of a hard work ethic. The nut does not fall far from the tree. Ask those who know me. I do not recall the last time I took a “sick day” from work. My Dad taught me to work for your salary and to appreciate it when it is paid.

What lessons are you teaching your children? You are teaching them something. It could be intentional or unintentional. You may be aware of it, or you may not be aware, but you are teaching them lessons. Ask yourself: what lessons am I teaching those around me?