My Journey with Cancer - Part 19

I am not traveling this path alone.

It has often, and quite accurately, been stated, “No one battles cancer alone.” Cancer battle are waged with the support of families, friends, acquaintances, employers, fellow employees, neighbors, churches or other organizations, medical personnel who try to be comforting while you are under their care, and whomever else is in that person’s life.

In my case, the primary supporter for me has been my wife Kay. She has seen me on days when you would never realize I am in the fight of my life. She has also seen me on days when I literally crawl out of bed to accomplish the duties of life that make life livable for me.

It is quite strange in some way how this journey hits each of us differently. Here is what I mean. If you were to ask me what were the toughest days for me in this journey? I of course would talk about the immense physical pain I have weekly and had in larger scale following surgery. But the two worst days for me would be the day the first doctor exhibited the courage last December to tell me that I indeed had cancer and it was in all probability, malignant. This was after other had skirted the issue the way you drive around a squirrel who darts into your path on the highway. The second day was the day of my surgery when Kay informed me that my surgery was a failure. (You can read that in another post, but it was in no way the surgeon’s fault here. By the time I had come around enough to be transported to my room from recovery, he had already gone home.) I think this could rate as Kay’s possible worst day, but I will leave that for her to decide. I was hurt (on so many levels) and confused as the what the future held. The third day for me, perhaps second, they all start to blur after a while, was the day the hospital oncologist shot straight with me and informed my that my cancer was incurable, and I could possibly not even see summer. That day as I sat there stunned, because there is no way on earth to prepare you for that. I simply do not care what anyone tells you, Kay walked around in front of me, put both of her hands on my shocked and staggering face and said, “Terry Mann, I love you!!” Since I am a touch and a words person (if you understand the 5 Love Languages) were the best suave my soul could have ever received. I needed to know I was loved, and someone cared. And she did that as good as she has ever done since we were dating, and she told me she loved me the very first time.  

Now for where I am headed with this. While the above days were surely difficult for her, there are two other days she has mentioned to me as painful.

The first day was in late May. During a visit with my primary oncologist I was sharing with her that there were some items that could kick in where I work once I had an official terminal diagnosis. I asked her when she could sign that. Her, and her assistant’s reply, very straight faced and caring was, “I can do that now.”

I learned later, that was one of the worst days for Kay.

A second event for her would be a month ago as we were driving away from our vacation home in Florida. We were both unusually quiet. I said to her, “This feels different to me. Does it you?” She looked straight ahead, and replied, “Yes. Because it could be our last one.” I could tell by the look on her face, and the tears welling up in her eyes, that the conversation needed to stop or our grandchildren in the back would notice and become uncomfortable quite rapidly. That was a difficult day.

There are two other events that include Kay, I want to include in this entry. In May, when my pain, and side effects were at there worst for the first regimen, she was talking to me after a particularly stressful day for her with family issues of multiple varieties not cancer related. Her comments went something like this:

You don’t know what I am going through. I know what you are going through. I fought serious cancer myself eight years ago, so I know what you are enduring., It is different on my side. Everyone asks, “How is Terry? What is the latest with Terry? No one asks how Kay is doing? You go off to work and get this energy from leading peoples and doing all this stuff then come home and can hardly move. On Sunday, you get in front of the congregation and you “turn it on” and everything looks fine. No one would ever know how much you are hurting. You just do your performance and your teaching, and you come home, and I must watch you barely alive. It is harder for me than you or anyone realizes.

That did hurt to hear. But it was honest. I recall I was very quiet and calmly looked at her and said, “You do know that I know what you are feeling don’t you? Just as you have been where I am, so I have been where you are.”

Our room was much quieter as the truth of that statement sank in on both of us. Something changed in our relationship that day and has remained changed. In truth, how any couples do you know who have walked the cancer path with one another? This list is quite short. Just as it was a privilege to walk it with her in 2010, it is a privilege to have her walk it with me now.

This leads directly to my second occurrence. And one that meant as much to me as the smoothness of her voice in January.

About 4-6 weeks ago we were leaving worship and my churches when I had preached in my present series. Now to be honest, (and a preacher who is honest will know what I mean here,) I was ON. I mean the message was good. The content was good. Folks were enlightened, they were challenged, they were engaged, they were emotionally in it. It was on of those times when you preach an you know you had it.

On the way home that day Kay said to me. “You were good today. I really mean that. You were good. I think you are my favorite preacher.” She paused a few seconds and I had nothing to say, because there could have been no better words for me. But she continued, “I know you are good at you job. You have a good business head. You are good at leading and changing organizations, and I can see how much you love that. But . . . PREACHING IS KEEPING YOU ALIVE!”

I do not have any idea what I said, but it was something like, “You are right.” I knew the conversation that had begun in difficult fashion in May, had come full circle. I knew without a doubt, she GOT me. Isn’t that what you want more than anything in a partner is for them to GET you.

She and I walk hand-in-hand into the uncertain future, but we do indeed know what one another is experiencing like few couples in this situation ever have.