You and Your Divorced Friends

As I thought about writing ideas, it dawned on me that I have never written concerning a topic that was a major force in twenty years of ministry. That would be the subject of divorce. Since I lead a ministry now that has at its primary purpose to help create healthy marriages, this topic carries a bit of irony. There is not as much irony as you would think when you know my full past. This subject came about partly because one of my younger brothers took his own life due in great part to a divorce. (I will write more on that some other time.)

I am not talking about divorce percentages in this article (which vary dramatically depending upon who you read), or divorce prevention (where much of my present ministry is involved) or even divorce recovery (although I led well over 1,500 folks through that process in ministry in two states). I am talking about the day to day relationships with people you rub shoulders with on a daily basis who are dealing with this life altering experience.

That is sad since every one of us has people cross our path regularly that are struggling with the rejection, the pain and the lack of self respect that follows a divorce. I know most us can use some basic information on how to assist friends, family members, co-workers and neighbors as they pass through the valley of divorce. That however quite often is simply common sense in dealing with people you care about and beyond the realm of this post.

Instead I would like to comment on what I consider the most important item. That would be this: Do not to ignore your divorced friend. Many folks just slowly disappear from the lives of their friends when divorce hits their lives. It is not planned, but it happens nonetheless. An automobile accident is not planned but it happens.

They are still the same person they were before the divorce. The do not have a communicable disease. They have not all of a sudden become this monster that will destroy you. Most of us do not know what to say, so we say nothing . . . and in essence, we speak volumes. If you do not know what to say, try this:

• “Ann, I am sorry this happened.”
• “Bill, I really do care. Call me if you need a listening ear. I don’t have any advice and you probably don’t need any more, but I can still be your friend.”
• “How about we grab lunch next Friday?”
• “Would you like me to watch the kids for you one day so you can have some time alone?”
• “Hey Tom, want to play 18 holes on Thursday?”

Make up your own variation, but don’t pretend your friend is not there! What if you get together and they do not say anything about the divorce? Who cares? The point is to still be their friend not to be the person with the answers. Just be you. No one else can do that.

It is best if this is female to female and male to male. So men, reach out to your friends as well. It does not come easy for us but it is just as important. I know it may be uncomfortable for you. You think this is easy for them? Sometimes our best stuff is when we are uncomfortable and do not feel like we know what we are doing.