Poetry 14 - "Previously Married"

For a full explanation as to the background of these poems, go the my entry on January 16, 2011. This "link" should take you there

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A Prayer for

Those Who Are

. . . Previously Married

Father,

I was once married,

now I am not.

I once knew sexual intimacy,

now I do not.

I once shared my total being with another

now I do not.

I grapple with this almost every day I live.

The frustration is immense.

The temptation is incredible.

The pain is very real. Dear Father

I ask for grace to deal with this pressure,

but what I would really like

is someone

with which to once again

share this most intimate part of me.

Please grant me the comfort I need

to live a life that is pleasing to You.

Place your healing balm on my soul and my body.

Amen.

Poetry 13 - "Recovering from Broken Relationship"

For a full explanation as to the background of these poems, go the my entry on January 16, 2011. This "link" should take you there

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A Prayer for

Those Who Are

. . . Recovering from a Broken Relationship

Dear Lord,

Why do I feel attracted

to someone who is not attracted to me?

This is not the way it should be!

My heart is in knots,

please untie it.

I ask for freedom from this bondage I am living under.

Help me to grant them freedom.

May I learn to love again.

Help me to trust again.

Help us both Father to move on with our lives.

Amen.

Poetry 12 - "Struggling with Abstinence"

For a full explanation as to the background of these poems, go the my entry on January 16, 2011. This "link" should take you there

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A Prayer for

Those Who Are

. . . Struggling with Abstinence

Dear God,

I need Your help.

I never knew temptation could be this strong.

It was so easy to tell everyone

that I will not become sexually active with another person

before I marry them.

Living it is much more difficult.

It is more difficult than I ever imagined.

Sometimes

I ask why You placed these desires within me

if I do not have someone to share them with.

I know that isn’t the right way to view it.

But it is how I feel

. . . sometimes . . . sometimes.

This is going to have to be a partnership with You.

If I am indeed going to keep THIS promise

I must have Your help.

Please Dear Father,

Grant me the strength I simply do not have.

Amen.

Poetry 11 - "Abuse Victims"

For a full explanation as to the background of these poems, go the my entry on January 16, 2011. This "link" should take you there

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A Prayer for

Those Who Are

. . . Victims of Sexual Abuse

Oh my God,

no one knows pain like mine.

I hurt from the treatment I received in the past.

No one deserves what I received.

I feel so dirty,

so cheap,

so used.

I did nothing wrong Lord.

I am the victim.

Why must I pay this awful price?

I cannot even express how badly this hurts!

It hurts me now is relating to others.

It hurts in relating to myself.

It hurts in relating to You.

I must have your healing!

Please heal me mentally.

Please heal me physically.

Please heal me emotionally.

Please heal me spiritually.

Please heal me sexually!

Oh my Father! I know You love me!

In spite of the awful event in my life . . . You love me.

Help me to move on in my life.

Help me to grow,

to learn

to trust

to love.

Yes God, help me to learn to love.

Amen.

Poetry 10 - "Body Shame"

For a full explanation as to the background of these poems, go the my entry on January 16, 2011. This "link" should take you there

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A Prayer for

Those Who Are

. . . Struggling with Body Shame

Lord,

I look at myself in the mirror . . .

and I cringe.

Do others see what I see?

Do I see what I see?

I am made in Your image. I do not feel like it.

Do You really love me . . . as I am?

Do You accept me?

Do I accept me?

I know I must accept me.

But I also know I should change some things.

Do I REALLY want to make changes in my appearance?

Do I have the ability to make changes?

Do You want me to make changes?

At times I seek to place the blame on others.

While others may have played a part,

this is my battle and my struggle to win.

I confess where I am weak.

I accept where I am simply me.

At times I wonder if I know the difference.

Do You wish to help me?

YES!

I release this struggle to Your grace.

I rest in Your love.

Amen.

Poetry 9 - "Used"

For a full explanation as to the background of these poems, go the my entry on January 16, 2011. This "link" should take you there

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A Prayer for

Those Who Are

. . . Feeling Used and Abandoned

Lord it hurts.

I should have known better.

I feel like such a fool.

I gave in . . . and now . . .

I am alone.

I thought it was “right.”

I thought it would work out.

I was wrong.

I need Your forgiveness.

I need Your love.

I need Your acceptance and restoration.

I need Your strength to learn from my mistakes.

I need to release the desire for revenge.

I tried to fill an empty spot in my life.

I used the wrong thing.

I need You.

I need You more than ever.

Lord, it hurts. Please help me.

Amen.

Poetry 8 - "Theology"

For a full explanation as to the background of these poems, go the my entry on January 16, 2011. This "link" should take you there

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A Prayer for

Those Who Are

. . . Having Trouble with Sexuality versus Theology

Father,

I thought I had all the answers.

I am learning anew that I do not.

Please help me to reconcile in my mind,

what I know about You

and what I seem to be learning about sexuality.

If something is right, help me to cling to that.

If something is wrong, help me to leave it.

If I am unsure, help me to discern.

Amen.

Poetry 7 - "Repentant"

For a full explanation as to the background of these poems, go the my entry on January 16, 2011. This "link" should take you there

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A Prayer for

Those Who Are

. . . Repentant for Having Sinned Sexually

Dear God,

How do I say, “I’m sorry,”

and sound like I meant it? For I do.

I truly am sorry for my sin.

I feel so black,

so vile.

I have hurt someone else.

I have hurt myself.

I have hurt You.

Please remind my spirit

that there is no sin so great you will not forgive it.

You know my weakness.

You know my area of temptation.

You know I fell.

You know.

Forgive me of my sin.

Help me to have the strength that comes from above

so I will not repeat my error.

I pray to you, because Jesus died for me.

Thank you, Father.

Amen.

Poetry 6 - "Praise"

For a full explanation as to the background of these poems, go the my entry on January 16, 2011. This "link" should take you there

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A Prayer for

Those Who Are

. . . Wanting to Praise God for their Sexuality

Father,

I read in the Psalms that we are “fearfully and wonderfully” made.

That includes my sexual identity.

I praise You that You have made me a man (woman.)

I am thankful that You have given me

the capacity to share with another

the inner depths of my physical being.

I praise You for the wonderful gift of sexual expression.

May I use that gift wisely,

and always, always be thankful for it.

Amen.

Poetry 5 - "Vulnerability"

For a full explanation as to the background of these poems, go the my entry on January 16, 2011. This "link" should take you there.

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A Prayer for

Those Who Are

. . . Struggling with Vulnerability

Lord,

I hear all this talk about sex.

I have no plans for sex in the wrong place or at the wrong time.

It isn’t so much sex that scares me

as it is just being vulnerable and open to another person.

I am afraid of revealing who I am.

What if show them . . . “me,”

and they don’t like “me?”

Please Father,

Help me to learn to trust another human.

When they have earned the right

help me to share that part of me

that I should be willing to share.

Help me break the bondage I have placed myself under.

Amen.

Poetry 4 - Poems on Sexuality - Introduction

Over 15 years ago I was in the final year of classes for my Doctoral work. The next year I would begin my dissertation and receive my degree in the spring of 1997. Since much of my doctorate was related to human sociological development, in one way or another, one of the final classes I took was on Human Sexuality. It was one of the more extraordinary classes I had. The professor, Dr. Harold Ivan Smith, was a prolific author and reader. He had probably read almost everything worth reading on the subject.

For the final project in the class, I decided to do a book of free verse poetry, written as more or less liturgical prayers, for individuals relating to various areas of our sexuality. I was not attempting to make any theological statements in these poems. I was simply seeking to give words to individuals who may otherwise have struggled with them. That would still be true today as I read them anew. I also think these some of prayer would serve well as liturgical elements prayed as a group collectively or broken up as responsive readings.

This is not meant to sound like anything more than factual information, but Dr. Smith gave me an A+ in both the class and this final project. He tried his best to get me to have these poems published, and gave me some insights into that. They are all protected under copyright law, but ultimately they were never bound and published. I guess I could say, until now.

Beginning with my next post, I am going to put all of these poems on this site over the upcoming weeks. As you read, you will see that I have attempted to address a very wide array of topics. Some of them will make many Christian people uncomfortable. I do not apologize for that, since the topics addressed are the stuff of real life. If you read one and someone comes to mind that you think would benefit, you have my permission to pass them along. I do ask that in the sense of accuracy and legality, that you give the author proper credit, who in turn passes the credit along to his Heavenly Father who gave him any talents in this area of writing.

Poetry 3 - "Meeting Me"

This is the last of the three Advent related pieces written in 2002.

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Meeting Me

Holy Child, why is it that you would

leave heaven’s glory

to lie

in a feeding trough?

Why would you

surrender unlimited power

to become

the most helpless of beings?

What was your goal?

Why did you come?

Why are you here?

You will not remain this way.

You will grow

first into a boy, and finally into a man.

You will die

upon a cross for my sin . . . you will die.

You will rise

From a death that should have been mine.

Why would you choose to meet me here?

Is it because of my need?

Is it because of your love?

Is it because . . .

Holy Child. You will not remain this way.

But

This is the path that leads to your goal

and humanity’s gain.

That is why you came.

That is why we bow.

That is why we worship You.

That is why we call you Savior.

That is why.

Poetry 2 - "How Abounding"

This second piece of poetry was also written at Advent in 2002 seeking Mary's point of view. However, it could apply to any of us looking honestly at ourselves.

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How Abounding

How deep is the sin

that runs into my very being?

It stares back when I look at my reflection.

It is a part of my nature.

I am left with no hope of escaping it clutches

unless God delivers me.

Is that what this is about?

How amazing is the grace of God

that extends beyond the grasp of my sin?

It sees I am

unworthy of this honor.

I am totally unable to undertake this task alone.

This grace makes me

worthy . . .

and available. . . for God’s purposes.

Perhaps THAT is what this is all about?

How abounding is the voice of God

that calls me

to something other than myself?

This is something I could never have imagined

No human can fully understand this

or believe it

. . . without His assistance?

Maybe that is just the point

it is his aid of which I am in need.

It is that same aid of which we all are in need.

And soon I may hold that very aid in my arms.

How abounding. How abounding indeed.

Poetry 1 - "Persons"

One of the things I have enjoyed over the years is writing free verse poetry. I have had some pieces published in poetry books and considered it an honor. You can read one of the published pieces “here.” I may repost it again later. As far as I know that is the only poem I have ever posted on this site. That is about to change. I intend to post one or two pieces of my poetry here each week for the next several months. I will provide some introduction to each one to give it some context. Some of these will be personal; some will be faith related; and the final 25 will be of a surprising nature that I will explain at that time. So, here we go.

Since we have just passed the Christmas holidays, I am going to make the first couple of entries some poems I wrote in 2002 relating to the season we call Christmas. This first piece ask what could have been going through Jesus’ mind while lying in the manger, if full knowledge of who he was had been his that early instead of later in his life. I am asking for the sake of the art.

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Persons

So many faces

Each one different

beautiful in its own way

Do they realize how important everyone is?

So many minds

Each one thinking different thoughts

bowing to their former self

Have they truly comprehended the significance of this?

So many expectations

Each one coming from a personal bias

bringing a different vantage point to this experience.

Are they willing to see what is actually taking place?

So many viewpoints

Each one with a slant all it own.

bending this night into their own experience.

How will I get them to allow my Father to work?

So many persons

Each one unique, and loved from above

bonding with a baby they cannot comprehend.

How long before they understand?

So many needs

Each one greater than the one before

becoming larger as the night passes.

Will they allow me to point them to the true answer?

They are all looking at me.

Pain in their heart.

Expectation is in their face.

Hope is in their voice.

Copperhead Road & Family of Origin

Have you ever flown anywhere for a vacation? Isn’t it interesting how you have to analyze what you pack when you fly in a way that is totally different that how you pack when you are traveling by automobile? The bag that seemed light at home can get very heavy after lugging it through the airport terminal.

The same is true in our relational abilities? We learn from our parents and grandparents what a marriage should look like. It does not matter that is the right picture or not, it is the one we believe because it is what we were taught and saw modeled for us.

In 1988 Steve Earle wrote a song called Copperhead Road. The singer tells of his grandfather and father making and selling moonshine. After serving in Vietnam, he comes home to alter the family tradition a bit. He begins growing marijuana. Now, I am not approving of moonshine or illicit drug use, I am only making a point. This song is above all things a song about family systems. The main character learned his behavior from his father and grandfather. He learned to sell illegal substances and disrespect authority from his family of origin.

Each of us carries “baggage” into our marriage and dating relationships. This baggage comes from what our family “taught us.” Why not take an honest look at the preconceptions you bring to your most intimate of relationships and ask: “What should I keep? What should I jettison?”

When it comes to relationships, what has your family taught you? What have the families of those we serve taught them? In all honesty, there are things we learned from our family about relationships that are good, wholesome, healthy, and worth keeping. Discover them; name them; keep them. Perhaps even improve upon them.

However, there are those items we “learned from our family” that are just plain wrong, unproductive and in many cases unhealthy. Likewise identify them; name them; then begin the process of eliminating them from your repertoire of relationship behaviors. Those “bags” can get very heavy if you carry them for year after year after year. Maybe they need to be repacked so as to lighten the load.

Paint by Number Dreams

I think Jackson Browne is one of the greatest lyricists in American music. He is such an incredible story teller. Take for example the picture your mind paints as you read these lyrics from Fountain of Sorrow.

Looking through some photographs I found inside a drawer
I was taken by a photograph of you
There were one or two I know that you would have liked a little more
But they didn’t show your spirit quite as true

You were turning round to see who was behind you
And I took your childish laughter by surprise
And at the moment that my camera happened to find you
There was just a trace of sorrow in your eyes

Here is another. In the song The Pretender, he speaks of finding a girl and then they will fulfill one another’s expectations. Consider . . .

I'm gonna find myself a girl

Who can show me what laughter means

And we'll fill in the missing colors

In each other's paint-by-number dreams

Isn’t that a great way to describe the expectations we bring into our marriage? We have this dream. We know exactly how it should be completed. We know what color it is, what shape it is, how it is decorated and even how we will manage it and enjoy having our expectations fulfilled. We then marry another incomplete human being and wonder why we are not happy. Why did they not live up to our expectations?

This is nothing short of a recipe for disaster is it not?

Why not take an honest look at the expectations we have placed upon our spouse. Are they realistic? Are they fair? Or are they totally unrealistic and completely unreachable? In our relationships, do we have a “paint by number dream” and are expecting someone else to simply fill it in? Or are you accepting them for who they are and then growing and improving together?

The outcomes could not be more different.

Marriage the Bond of Society

Who made this statement,“The first bond of society is marriage?"

No. It was not George W. Bush. It was likewise not Barack Obama. It also was not King, Hannity, Olbermann, or O’Reilly. It was not reported on MSNBC, CNN or FOX. In fact it did not come from the United States political left or right.

The quote was made by Cicero, a Roman philosopher who lived more than 2000 years ago.

Axiom #12: Confrontation

As you may or may not know, I am originally from the south. I was born and reared in North Carolina where I lived the first 22 years of my life. It is where my heart still lies quite often. I then lived 18 years in Tennessee. Having been in Pittsburgh since 1994, I have seen one or two of the summers up here. Since I grew up and lived forty plus years in the south the heat in Pittsburgh does not bother me as much as it does a lifelong Pittsburgher.

You know how it is with humans. We adapt to what we have in our environment. That is why humanity is able to live and thrive everywhere from the bitter northern arctic cold to the heat and humidity of the rain forest. It is one of our strengths as a race of humans. We adapt quite well. Some might say that adaptation could potentially be the flip side of a negative. How so? Let me explain.

While we adapt to our surrounding climate, the core of the reason is that we know we can do little to change it. (Let’s avoid a global warming discussion here. That is on a larger scale than I am discussing.) We know that the weather is like the old adage, “everyone’s talking about it, but no one is actually doing anything.” Well . . . because in the short term, we cannot change the weather. It is beyond our ability. So in one way you could say that we sort of become anesthetized to our surroundings and just adapt to them.

Here is the rub. We do that in our relationships also. We just become numb to it all. We say “it doesn’t matter.” We pretend we do not notice. We get busy with other things. We find diversions. We ignore issues that really matter to us. We do not risk a difficult conversation with those we care about. We simply adapt.

Granted there are times to adapt. There really are times to simply let it go because it really is not that big of a deal. As I have said countless times in leadership discussions, “Choose your battles. If you die on every hill you just end up dead. Some deals are just deals.”

But, and it is a big one, there are also times to draw lines and take a stand. There are times to say, “This should not be and we ARE going to talk about THIS! We are not sweeping this one under the rug and ignoring it.” It does not and should not be this way. At that point it takes work to get to the core of the matter. Once you start to peel back the layers you may, and probably will find, that you have had a hand in the matter and you are not totally innocent. That hurts. And it hurts a lot some times.

Why do we not do it? The reasons are varied and multifaceted, ranging from learned patterns in the relationship to family of origin training to abuse or the threat of it to insecurity to this being uncharted waters to numerous items on a long list. It is like Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty sang, “Baby, you could never look me in the eye. Yeah, you buckle with the weight of the words.”

These things ought not to be. We all need to take stock of our relationships and the issues we are suppressing and addressing. The risk is high, but the reward is even higher.

Axiom 11: Pick Your Battles

If there is one axiom that carries over into all my others, it is this one. When I was younger and more foolish, I felt I had to win every argument, even if it meant shouting down my opponents with weaker logic. As I have matured I have learned the utter fallacy of that strategy. It causes disruption on almost every level imaginable. Though the years I have learned that every battle is not worth fighting.

Part of that comes from so many years in school. I have spent so much time there that some of my family calls me a professional student. The higher in education I have gone, the less I think I know.

One of my present staff members and I were discussing a particular sticky situation when I said to him, “I don’t think that is worth fighting. Think about it. Even if we win, what have we won?” He looked at me and said, “Terry, if I had known you years ago, I would have had a lot less trouble in some past jobs.”

Every good general knows that a timely retreat can lead to ultimate victory. Every good basketball coach knows there is a time to kill the clock and get the game over. Every good football coach knows there is a time to punt on fourth down and not go for it. Every winning race car driver knows there is a time to just make laps to get to the end and not fight for every position on the track.

Remember, if you die on every hill, you just end up dead.

Axiom 10: Poison the Well

I will never forget the first time I heard this saying by a friend of mine from Chicago. I do not recall the details of what we were discussing, but I do recall him saying to me, “Are you trying to poison the well?” I was not sure exactly what he meant, so he told me. “You know what their objection to your idea is going to be so you are taking the power out of it before they even state it.”

He was right. That is exactly what I was doing. I still do that in almost every situation. I do it in message and lesson preparation. I do it in staff meetings. I do it in vision talks. I do it is sales calls. I will even do it in one on one motivational conversation. I do it without even thinking about it anymore.

This axiom was probably covered in my early speech classes under the topic of audience analysis. Think about the group to whom you will be speaking and how they will react to what you are saying. If you can anticipate it, then address it ahead of time. If you know what the contents of the well where their objections are kept, then poison that well ahead of time. Reduce the power of the objection.

I am not talking about manipulation here. In order to poison the well, you will need to recognize it, evaluate its merits, and address them in a logical fashion. Manipulation demeans people. I am talking about honestly evaluating their ideas so you can address them before they see daylight. Do not deny the reality or the existence of their objection, but do not allow it to stop you when you honestly think you have evaluated them and know the best direction.

If you can poison the well, you may avoid a much more volatile conflict in the future.